On Shadows, Borders, and Beauty

by. Lenée Fuelling

Perhaps you’ve heard the expression, “They’re afraid of their own shadow!” It is not a compliment, and I wouldn’t have thought it described me. But as my Evangelical Christian roots have been transforming over the past few years, I’m recognizing how my theological conditioning actually encouraged fear of my own and others’ shadows…and my response.  

Raised in a culture that feared ‘original sin’ nature and hell, I embraced both the security offered by dogmatic certainty and apologetics, as well my faith culture’s wary hypervigilance to protect our religious border. People on the other side - whether of different faith traditions or “nonbelievers” - could lead me or others astray. I was also taught that my shadow self was insidiously dangerous, constantly tempting me to do what I didn’t (but did?!) want to do. Accordingly, I couldn’t trust myself; after all, Jeremiah 17:9 warned how my heart was “deceitful above all things - wicked and incurable!” (Never mind that the Septuagint calls the heart deep, not deceitful.) Bombarded with shame, my soul slowly fractured, chronically stressed by the gymnastics of compartmentalizing, subduing, and rebuking my shadow self. I couldn’t love all of myself, which affected my love of all others, and of course, toward God. But for Grace…

Last year, while taking SSU’s Inner Transformation of a Peacemaker course, I found a transformative exercise that really helped me to center, reintegrate, and honor my shadow self -- to practice radical self-acceptance and self-love. In silence, I’d pay attention to how I was feeling in my body and emotions and would intentionally stay present to and welcome them (including what I was conditioned to condemn and resist -- like anxiety, anger, and shame). Then I’d welcome Ruach, Yeshua, and Abba into this vulnerable space, into my pain. As I attuned to Love communing and co-suffering with me, my fragmented and fear-battered self was engulfed in unconditional love. Over time, I became more curious (instead of fearful) about shadows and borders, whether internal or around me.

This past summer, I applied some of my newfound curiosity in Northern Ireland, on SSU’s study abroad pilgrimage where I learned the term ‘borderwalking’ from Jonny Clark, who embodies the concept quite literally and in his peace work. In the thirtieth anniversary month of The Troubles cease-fire, our cohort joined Jonny for a physical 25-mile walking pilgrimage for peace. We prayed with our steps for continued conflict transformation, reconciliation, and shalom, treading border-fraught and historically blood-soaked land that memorialized lives cut short by sectarian violence. Our tears of lament also held hope, in solidarity with Northern Ireland’s people who still suffer the effects of intergenerational trauma and colonialism. We tasted compassion, yearning to more truly understand by exploring the shadows of Ireland and ourselves through our borderwalking. 

Toward the end of our trip, we stayed at Corrymeela, a sacred haven for peacebuilding, where I received an unexpected gift. One cloudy morning, I awoke with an inexplicable urge to try to see Scotland from the nearby Northern Ireland coast. Though I couldn’t make out much more than the contrast of a solid dark island mass in the distance, it was exhilarating to stand on the sea border of two countries with such shadowed pasts. In awe, I absorbed Grace’s presence. And then, what inspired the following poem happened: 

“Corrymeela Glory”

One blustery morning, 

with wool tuque-capped curiosity,

she traced wild blackberry hedges and tide pools with her steps

and breathed prayers along the sea…

Overshadowed by moody gray, 

a solitary boat sailed the horizon of Rathlin Sound.

‘How delightful,’ she mused.

Her whole life she’d loved sailboats, 

their vessels mysteriously mediating tranquility to her soul.

Serenity surfed the waves’ cadence.

Suddenly, gold resplendency flooded the seascape.

Breathless, she was baptized with utter joy, with divine Love.

She looked for the sails within this glory,

but couldn’t see them. 

Then, in an instant, the sun was again hidden,

and the lovely boat returned to view.

It dawned on her how 

some beauty can be discerned 

only in the shadows…

Prior to my seaside borderwalk, I had never reflected on nature’s contouring of every shadow through Light’s conducting orientation. Or on how my witness - in a mystical sense - integrated with it all. Incomprehensible. Months later, I’m still opening the gift of that morning interplay of Light and beauty that permeated me with a knowing that all around me was inexpressibly good, and I was inexpressibly good! The stunning sailboat -- imperceptible (to me) in the outpouring of Light’s full radiance -- called me to seek and honor within my shadowy depths the ever-present treasures of dignity and of Christ who will recontour and reorient my perceptions and memories to triune Love. 

In Northern Ireland, I awakened to a new aspect of my identity -- I’m an ecumenical borderwalker. Freed from my religious fears, I now walk the religious borders in my state with curiosity and compassion. It’s kind of ironic because I still feel the security of certainty, but it is certainty that Divine Love is inherently unbordered and boundaryless. I am no longer afraid of my own shadow or the shadows around me, because I know Beauty is waiting to be discerned there… as I borderwalk, increasingly whole.

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Lenée Fuelling is a JFI alumna and is pursuing an M.A. in Peace and Justice at St. Stephen’s University. Considered a people-gatherer and ecumenical bridge-builder in her sphere, she also writes for Multiply Goodness, a community that fosters interreligious friendships through guided Bible studies and authentic gatherings. Originally from Michigan flatlands, Lenée resides with her husband and three sons in Salt Lake City, Utah where beholding the Wasatch mountains never grows old. She loves hiking, fair-weather skiing (greens and blues only!), laughing, and enjoying the people in her life, especially when there’s coffee, cocktails, or charcuterie involved.